Lost but Found

It’s my last year of law school and I feel good.

I can’t help but think about how I felt when I was about to graduate from UT. Y’all, I was a WRECK! I was sad, depressed, confused, afraid...all of the above. I was graduating a semester early with a degree in Journalism AND Political Science...and I felt like a WHOLE failure.

I’d had this dream since the 2012 Olympics that I would work in the 2016 Rio Olympics (wrote it down and EVERYthing)! So, I applied for like 12 spring internships with the US Olympic committee. I’d gotten contacted by 8 of them, interviewed for 5 of them, got callbacks from 3 of them and even had TWO of them refer me to other departments. I just knew I was in there!

I didn’t get ANY of those positions.

I did everything “right.” Here I was with a STELLAR resume, having worked for ESPN and Warner Music Group and maintained an amazing GPA while still serving on multiple student advisory boards for my university...and I walked away with NOTHING. 

Are you kidding me?!?!

I had NO idea what was coming next. I had no job lined up. Nothing was for sure. The only thing I knew for certain was that nothing was for certain. I felt TERRIBLE.

My plans were RUINED! I ended up moving back home and got a job as a cashier at a baseball stadium. (Yes...that was my first real job after college...and it was literally the best job ever...NO LIE!)

Meanwhile, I was BATTLING with this idea of law school. My parents were PRESSURING me to go. I’d taken the LSAT and applied to multiple schools...but I couldn’t stand the thought of my free-spirited self being caged by this repulsive fallacy of justice. Because I’d graduated early, I knew I had at least a semester to get my life together...and boy did it get together.

That semester ended up being the best semester of my life thus far. I had nothing in my own power to fall back on. My resume proved to be unyielding. My “amazing” interview skills didn’t get me anywhere. My connections only got me so far. Yet, I'd did everything according to the books (good grades, no babies, no drugs, went to church, etc.) and life as I knew it had been a sham. In fact, there was no point to life. I was as low as I’d ever been and right at my breaking point...God met me. 

I slowly fell into Him. While relinquishing my will for His...bit by bit...I began to learn who He was and what He could mean to me. He was no longer this distant figure I’d heard my family talk about. He was my friend, my sweet peace in the midst of chaos. He was my everything. 

It would take many instances of spiritually falling and getting back up to realize that in the grand scheme of things, He’d never really left me. Jeremiah 29:11 became so personal to me and I started to understand that His will is, and was always, greater than my own.

By the time I got to law school, I knew God had called me to do something...different. I was willing to follow him, but to be honest....I was still confused. It was dark. I had no idea what was going on. Like, “God...you know I think this system is trash...why?”

There were moments where I just cried. I called my parents and cried to them. I fell on my knees and cried to God. 

It was hard...

...but here I am approaching the finish line and I feel good! 

Scripture tells us that in His presence there is fullness of joy. Let me just say...David meant it when he said it! David also says, “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”

I know sometimes it gets dark, but I’d like to think that that’s because I’m abiding in the shadow of the Almighty. I know He has an expected end that He’s bringing me into and I don’t have to worry about it. 

I feel good not because I have a job lined up after graduation...not because this semester is easy (probably the hardest yet)...and not because I LOVE law school. I feel good because I know I’ve surrendered to His will, I’m in His presence...and I have a promise. So, even in those moments when I’m feeling lost, I know I’m found and sometimes...most of the time...that’s MORE than enough.